Some Theories on Theories

Scientists have too much time on their hands. Literally. For example, there’s something called the B-theory of time. I don’t know what this is exactly; I always thought ‘B time’ was said by cinema-goers in the 1940s just before a Ronald Reagan movie came on the screen. All I know is that there’s a good chance this theory is about time – as in it’s about time scientists stopped coming up with all this nonsense. It seems boffins are now having hourly competitions to see who can imagine the most unimaginable theory. 

    Even the great Albert Einstein got in on the act with his Theory of Relativity. Again, don’t ask me to explain this. I suppose it’s called the Theory of Relativity because it’s taken a relativity long time to prove that E = MC Hammer. 

     I’ve come up with something more useful than Professor Einstein’s effort. I’ve called it my Theory of Relatives. I’ll explain: Say you have a flatulent uncle called Ernie who pretends his dog is the one with the gas problem. The equation for this would go: E = BWBD which stands for (Uncle) Ernie Breaks Wind (and) Blames (his) Dog. You might think this theory is trivial but in fact, it is very important – if you’re Ernie’s dog. My supposition is also a lot easier to prove than Einstein’s effort. You can send my Nobel Prize in the post.

    I’m not impressed by the Big Bang Theory either. It has little going for it apart from being called after a comedy show on television. Yes, I admit the universe could have started with a big bang but it could have begun with a lot less fuss – that’s why I’m a fan of the Little Whimper Theory.

    Then there is the Flat Earth Theory. To be fair, there probably aren’t too many scientists who believe the Earth is flat, especially if they have taken the time to visit Nepal or Switzerland. Perhaps this theory’s proponents come from the Netherlands. This thesis is ridiculous in my opinion, as you can probably guess. So don’t give me the Flat Earth Theory – I’m still trying to get my head around the Flat Stomach Theory.

© John E. McBride

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