Moanaghan Man

Moanaghan Man

Monday 23 October 2017

2017 News Headlines (Well, Some of Them)

The following are some actual news items (from early 2017, and September/October 2017) that you may have missed. I’ve added a humorous spin.


The UK agrees on defence deal with Turkey; the turkey says fighter jets are an unnecessary deterrent against foxes.
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As the Internet Movie Database announces it is to close down its message boards, one contributor asks: “Did anyone else see this twist coming?”
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Adele fluffs her lines at music awards – she should’ve studied harder at Grammy school.
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Prison is driving a thief nicknamed “Spiderman” up the wall but he hasn’t made it to the ceiling yet.
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UK Insurance premiums set to increase – insurers are happy but there’s little compensation for consumers.
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Disappointed IT nerds demand a refund after watching horror movie It.
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Brexit news, and as the UK’s Trades Union Congress accuses the Prime Minister of having a ‘Santa wish list’, Britain says its top three demands from Europe are border control, free trade, and a scooter.
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Police confirm euros flushed down a toilet in Geneva are not real; they are, in fact, a new kind of Swiss roll – a Swiss bog roll.
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A supermarket’s profits fall despite record sales. A company spokesperson says a solution to this problem would be to sell more records.
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US scientists win the Nobel Prize after solving how our bodies tell time. My body tells the time by looking at my watch with my eyes.
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Bags for life can make you ill – so please don’t eat them.
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A follow and share would be appreciated, thanks. And now, the weather…

© John E. McBride (2017)

Tuesday 17 October 2017

I Found It

I think I’ve found the easiest job in the world (apart from being a voice coach to a mime artist). The job is... a scientist. To demonstrate, let me tell you about two scientists who achieved greatness with a minimum of effort.

    The first person I’ll write about was a Greek from ancient times called Archimedes. Straight off, you can tell this guy is special – he’s so famous, he only needs one name. Just like Bono, Bjork, and Bambi. Archimedes is famous because he had a bath. I’ll elaborate; he had a bath and discovered two things. The first was water makes you wet. His second discovery was that the water level in a bath rises when you get into the bath. It gets a bit complicated after that; let’s just say he went on to have many more achievements. I’m sure he didn’t invent the rubber duck, however.

    The second scientist I will write about is Alexander Graham Fleming. Don’t let the fact that he has three names put you off. Just think of him as the Sarah Jessica Parker of boffins. Besides, Archimedes may have had one name, but he didn’t win the Nobel Prize, did he? Mr Fleming did win it by making a mistake, waiting a while, and then letting others do the work. Told you scientists had it easy. He wasn’t even trying to discover penicillin when he discovered it. He discovered the antibiotic by accident. I would guess the original name for penicillin was ‘Oops!’ Other people including Ernst Boris Chain and Howard Florey continued Fleming’s work and in 1945 all three won the Nobel Prize. 

    There you have it, Archimedes and Alexander Fleming became famous by simply taking a bath in the former’s case and by making a mistake in the latter. I wash and make mistakes all the time and yet the nearest I’ve come to any kind of eminence is listening to Eminem. Maybe I should take up science. Or at least wash and make mistakes more often.

A follow and share would be appreciated. Thank you.

© John E. McBride (2017) 

Tuesday 10 October 2017

Carillon Magazine

The piece below won a Carillon Readers’ Bookmark Competition in for me a few years ago. Sadly, this brilliant writing magazine is due to cease publication shortly. If you would like to learn more about Carillon, please visit its website at http://www.carillonmag.co.uk/

For the competition, I had to write a letter of excuse for something. The following (which has been slightly edited) was my effort.


Dear Sir or Madam,

I realise Sheffield City Council is rather annoyed with me over my failure to pay a parking fine. However, I think you should hear my side of the story before you judge me. It all started when I fell in love with a woman. She was out of this world. Literally. You see, she was from another planet. I was smitten the moment I looked into her eyes. All three of them. 

The romance grew and everything was going well until I decided to take her to a Sheffield United match. Big mistake. Not only did the experience put her off football, it turned her against me, the human race, the whole world (and Bramall Lane pork pies). She was so angry that she threatened to obliterate the planet with her spaceship’s laser. 

I reminded her that the spaceship had been parked on a double yellow line for weeks. I offered to pay the ticket if she promised not to destroy Earth. She agreed, and then flew off to steal cattle hearts in Arizona, instead of human ones in Yorkshire. 

I am left alone, and with a fine that doesn’t really belong to me. However, as my astuteness has saved the planet, I hope you’ll do the right thing and let me off. Indeed, is there any chance of a reward?

Sincerely,

Mr A. Lien

© John E. McBride (2017)

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Monday 2 October 2017

A Funny Phobia

It’s time someone stood up for clowns. I’m talking about the injustice of these funny people being feared for no good reason. In this piece, I will argue that this should not be the case. I promise that, in making my case, I will not squirt water at you with a pretend flower. 

     It is said that people are born with two innate fears, that of falling and loud noises. (Actually, there’s a good case for a third one – the fear of tax forms). As we go through life we may become afraid of other things which in turn may develop into full-blown phobias. Coulrophobia, or the fear of clowns, is one. In my opinion, there are three main reasons for this:  

Clothes: Clowns have an eccentric way of dressing, particularly when it comes to footwear. However, a predilection for boots does not mean the wearer is menacing. I know groups such as skinheads like to wear boots too, but I can’t imagine skinheads walking around with oversized red and yellow ones. Unless they’re skinheads who happen to have a great sense of humour.

Make-up: Clowns wear so much make-up that the person underneath becomes unrecognisable. Someone with a vivid imagination could believe a former school bully, or some other nasty person could be behind that face paint. It could even be the President of the United States. I mean, presidents have been known to wear silly wigs. But the chances are the clown is an ordinary person who just happens to look like a baddie from a Stephen King Novel. This brings me to my final point…

Bad press: The media plays a part too, whether it’s portraying clowns as movie villains or people dressing up as scary clowns on the news. But you must realise not all clowns are evil – or funny, for that matter.

     Remember, clowns dedicate their lives to making you laugh, not scared. In fact, next time you’re at the cinema and are frightened by a baddie on screen, imagine that character as a clown and I guarantee you’ll feel better. Please note: This won’t work if the character is called Pennywise.

Before you go, I'd appreciate a share and follow. Thanks.

© John E. McBride (2017)