Metaphors for Monaghan

To help you get to know me a little more, I thought I’d write about my native county, Monaghan in Ireland, and use metaphors to make it a little more interesting – and hopefully make me look a little more intelligent in the process. You will discover that in metaphorical terms, Monaghan is a useless jigsaw puzzle, a useless compass, Cork (I won’t say a useless county), and Heaven. Let’s begin. Monaghan is…

County Cork

Monaghan’s name is derived from the Irish for ‘land of the little hills’ which is apt, because it has so much high ground, it should be the number one holiday destination for moral people. It makes me annoyed that Cork is officially the largest county by area in Ireland. That honour would surely go to Monaghan, if we could flatten its hills.

A jigsaw puzzle with one missing piece

Gaelic Football is so ingrained into the psyche of Monaghan people that many of them think the last line of the national anthem is “…and the match is on!” it’s true that most people in the county are mad about Gaelic football and they get even madder every time their team bows out of the All-Ireland tournament. And that’s a lot of times. In fact, despite being successful in other competitions, Monaghan has yet (up to 2016) to win the All-Ireland Gaelic football title. This leaves one large gap in its trophy room (which at this very moment is probably being used as a hideaway by a yeti).

A broken compass

Due to the county’s unique location – bordered on three sides by Northern Ireland – a person can stand in certain parts of Monaghan and face ‘The North’ by looking north, south, east or west. If you ever get lost in Monaghan, don’t depend on a compass.

Liechtenstein (almost)

Monaghan and Liechtenstein are both landlocked – double landlocked in the latter’s case which explains why Liechtenstein has such a poor national surfing team. Monaghan could become ‘double landlocked’ – if Fermanagh win the All-Ireland Gaelic football title, and along with it the Sam Maguire Cup. All of Monaghan’s neighbouring counties, bar Fermanagh, have won the All-Ireland, so if Fermanagh lift the trophy, it will leave Monaghan ‘Sam Maguire locked’ – and having to decide whether it feels more claustrophobic or depressed.

Heaven

In my opinion, Monaghan looks a bit like Heaven. It would look a lot like Heaven if the county could borrow a piece of Tahitian coastline.

© John E. McBride