To Beard or Not to Beard

Beard wearers might think it chic to follow a hairy trend but taking fashion inspiration from goats will never be cool. At least goats have two major reasons for growing a beard. One, it’s a natural part of their appearance. Two, goats are not very good with razors. Men, on the other hand, have no such excuses. In my opinion, a beard is not an integral part of a man’s look, unless that man happens to be Abraham Lincoln, Santa or Captain Birdseye.

     There are practical concerns, too. Beards make the acts of eating and teeth brushing more difficult to perform. That’s why you never see a pilot fish or shark with a chin curtain. And then there’s the pointless exercise of grooming of facial hair. Why should a man go to the bother of ‘beautifying’ his beard when that very thing signifies that he is someone who clearly doesn’t care about his appearance in the first place?

    Beard-wearers might argue that a hairy face makes them more attractive. To be fair, they will appear more attractive – to people who like the ‘morphing into a werewolf’ look. Scientists might say that a beard, being a secondary sexual characteristic, plays an important role in defining maleness. Rubbish. There’s no need to grow a beard to prove you’re a man. If you keep leaving the toilet seat up, people will get the message soon enough.

     I will make a couple of exceptions to my no-hairy-face rule. It’s fine to grow a beard (and then shave it) for charitable reasons. It’s also OK to wear one on religious grounds – as long as those grounds are nowhere near me. Everyone else, please stop following the (goat) herd and shave your face. 

© John E. McBride