Carillon Magazine

The piece below won a Carillon Readers’ Bookmark Competition in for me a few years ago. Sadly, this brilliant writing magazine is due to cease publication shortly. If you would like to learn more about Carillon, please visit its website at http://www.carillonmag.co.uk/

For the competition, I had to write a letter of excuse for something. The following (which has been slightly edited) was my effort.


Dear Sir or Madam,

I realise Sheffield City Council is rather annoyed with me over my failure to pay a parking fine. However, I think you should hear my side of the story before you judge me. It all started when I fell in love with a woman. She was out of this world. Literally. You see, she was from another planet. I was smitten the moment I looked into her eyes. All three of them. 

The romance grew and everything was going well until I decided to take her to a Sheffield United match. Big mistake. Not only did the experience put her off football, it turned her against me, the human race, the whole world (and Bramall Lane pork pies). She was so angry that she threatened to obliterate the planet with her spaceship’s laser. 

I reminded her that the spaceship had been parked on a double yellow line for weeks. I offered to pay the ticket if she promised not to destroy Earth. She agreed, and then flew off to steal cattle hearts in Arizona, instead of human ones in Yorkshire. 

I am left alone, and with a fine that doesn’t really belong to me. However, as my astuteness has saved the planet, I hope you’ll do the right thing and let me off. Indeed, is there any chance of a reward?

Sincerely,

Mr A. Lien

© John E. McBride (2017)

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