I Won't Stand For This

The thought of being a stand-up comedian makes me want to sit down. Apart from not actually standing up, there are other things that would make me a poor stage comic.

     The first reason why it’s hard for me to do stand-up is (promise you won’t laugh) the sound of laughter. I know this defeats the purpose of being a comedian, but hearing people giggle would make me anxious – I would spend the whole time checking to see if my trousers were falling down. I could face the other way but that would be worse; the audience would be laughing behind my back – and who likes people laughing at them behind their back?

     Even if I got over the laughter, the actual audience would worry me. I keep imagining I’d have the worse crowd ever. I can take hecklers because in a way they’re giving feedback which is good (if you like people shouting ‘rubbish!’ at you). I’m talking about the potential make-up of the audience (and by that I mean its composition, not the lipstick it’s wearing). 

     I mean, imagine if the Federation of Mime Artists came to watch me. Definitely no verbal feedback from them. They might enjoy the show or they might not, I wouldn’t know; I don’t speak mime. They would be gesticulating away and I wouldn’t know if they were heckling me or if they were constipated. 

     Then we have the groups that would come to my comedy show by mistake. For example, a mix-up in dates could mean I’d have to entertain the Virginia Woolf Appreciation Society. Nothing wrong with that, except I don’t think they’d be on for an evening of laughter. In my opinion, Virginia Woolf admirers are fans of great writing but not great fans of comedy.

    And let's not forget Trade Unionists; I wouldn’t want to see any of them in my audience. They’re dangerous because they organise strikes. And there’s no way I'm having a walkout at my stand-up.

© John E. McBride


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