Metaphors for Monaghan

To help you get to know me a little more, I thought I’d write about my native county, Monaghan in Ireland, and use metaphors to make it a little more interesting – and hopefully make me look a little more intelligent in the process. You will discover that in metaphorical terms, Monaghan is a useless jigsaw puzzle, a useless compass, Cork (I won’t say a useless county), and Heaven. Let’s begin. Monaghan is…

County Cork

Monaghan’s name is derived from the Irish for ‘land of the little hills’ which is apt, because it has so much high ground, it should be the number one holiday destination for moral people. It makes me annoyed that Cork is officially the largest county by area in Ireland. That honour would surely go to Monaghan, if we could flatten its hills.

A jigsaw puzzle with one missing piece

Gaelic Football is so ingrained into the psyche of Monaghan people that many of them think the last line of the national anthem is “…and the match is on!” it’s true that most people in the county are mad about Gaelic football and they get even madder every time their team bows out of the All-Ireland tournament. And that’s a lot of times. In fact, despite being successful in other competitions, Monaghan has yet (up to 2016) to win the All-Ireland Gaelic football title. This leaves one large gap in its trophy room (which at this very moment is probably being used as a hideaway by a yeti).

A broken compass

Due to the county’s unique location – bordered on three sides by Northern Ireland – a person can stand in certain parts of Monaghan and face ‘The North’ by looking north, south, east or west. If you ever get lost in Monaghan, don’t depend on a compass.

Liechtenstein (almost)

Monaghan and Liechtenstein are both landlocked – double landlocked in the latter’s case which explains why Liechtenstein has such a poor national surfing team. Monaghan could become ‘double landlocked’ – if Fermanagh win the All-Ireland Gaelic football title, and along with it the Sam Maguire Cup. All of Monaghan’s neighbouring counties, bar Fermanagh, have won the All-Ireland, so if Fermanagh lift the trophy, it will leave Monaghan ‘Sam Maguire locked’ – and having to decide whether it feels more claustrophobic or depressed.

Heaven

In my opinion, Monaghan looks a bit like Heaven. It would look a lot like Heaven if the county could borrow a piece of Tahitian coastline.

© John E. McBride

An Outstanding Theory on Alien Abductions

In my opinion, some people get too worried about UFOs and alien abductions as most Unidentified Flying Objects come from Earth. How can you tell that an airborne object is more likely to have originated from Seattle than Saturn? It’s easy; read on and find out.

     If it has a flashing light, there’s a good chance it’s an aeroplane. Aliens have little need for their spaceships to double up as police cars. 

    Also, there are three possible reasons why aliens would want to visit this planet:

1) To make friends with Earth people.
2) To invade Earth.
3) To buy a Star Trek DVD.

     There is no evidence whatever to suggest aliens come here in order to start a mobile disco business. So try not to worry about that flashing light in the sky. (Unless it happens to be lightening).

     Another big clue comes when the object is on the ground. If people are being forcibly removed from it, you can be sure it’s an aeroplane and an overbooked one at that. Aliens, on the other hand, tend to force abductees into their ship. 

    Speaking of abductees, I’ll move on to the gist of my theory: Aliens make mistakes – especially when they’re in the process of kidnapping humans. You see, before they come here, I think the extra-terrestrials are told to bring back an Earth person who is outstanding in his or her field. ‘Outstanding in his or her field’ means someone who is a great scientist, artist, sports star, in fact, any Earthling unless they've been on Celebrity Big Brother. And farmers. Aliens have enough farmers…

     My supposition is that aliens come here after such a long journey that they're suffering from terrible travel sickness. By the way, this also explains why they’re green (or maybe they're green because they support Ireland). They’re sick, tired, and want to go home as fast as they can and so decide to abduct the first person they see who is outstanding in his or her field. Then they spot a farmer who is out, standing in his field. You can guess what happens next - but I'll tell you anyway.They take him back to their planet to be greeted with cries of:

     “Not another farmer!”

     I don’t want to worry any farmers reading this. There is a simple way to avoid alien abduction. Next time you visit your field, bring a chair with you and sit on it.

© John E. McBride



     

Blogger Fantastic

Superheroes are overrated. Take Batman. The only superpower he seems to have is the ability to dress up like a bat. Big deal. He doesn’t even manage to look convincing. I mean, you don’t see many of those creatures flying around with an image of another bat displayed on their chest. As for his nemeses, the likes of Riddler and Penguin are beatable, but Batman could be in trouble if he ever takes on Raccoon-man. 

     Like Gotham’s top crime fighter, Superman has the appearance of someone who’s on his way to a fancy dress party. But at least Superman can run faster than a train – though that’s not very impressive if the train in question belongs to UK Southern Rail. In my opinion, Superman’s main claim to fame is the fact that people don’t mind that he wears his underpants on the outside of his clothes. That’s a real superpower, not to mention a good way to avoid skid marks. 

     Superheroes are not confined to the United States (though I’m sure Captain America isn’t allowed to wander far). For instance, Britain had Captain Fantastic in the 1960s. I don't know his superpower party piece but with a name like that, I’m guessing it’s not modesty. Captain Fantastic’s blatant arrogance is such that it’s a wonder he hasn’t made himself a general by now.

     Ireland should have a superhero – Conor McGregor must need a helping hand. It would be unimaginative to borrow the Green Hornet or Incredible Hulk just because they’re the right colour for the job. We need a home-grown hero. Supergael would be a good title for him or her. I realise Supergael could’ve been the name the (Irish political) Fine Gael party called themselves had they been founded by Captain Fantastic. Still, at least this would be unique – a superhero who sounds like a party as opposed to looking like someone who’s going to one.

© John E. McBride 

To Beard or Not to Beard

Beard wearers might think it chic to follow a hairy trend but taking fashion inspiration from goats will never be cool. At least goats have two major reasons for growing a beard. One, it’s a natural part of their appearance. Two, goats are not very good with razors. Men, on the other hand, have no such excuses. In my opinion, a beard is not an integral part of a man’s look, unless that man happens to be Abraham Lincoln, Santa or Captain Birdseye.

     There are practical concerns, too. Beards make the acts of eating and teeth brushing more difficult to perform. That’s why you never see a pilot fish or shark with a chin curtain. And then there’s the pointless exercise of grooming of facial hair. Why should a man go to the bother of ‘beautifying’ his beard when that very thing signifies that he is someone who clearly doesn’t care about his appearance in the first place?

    Beard-wearers might argue that a hairy face makes them more attractive. To be fair, they will appear more attractive – to people who like the ‘morphing into a werewolf’ look. Scientists might say that a beard, being a secondary sexual characteristic, plays an important role in defining maleness. Rubbish. There’s no need to grow a beard to prove you’re a man. If you keep leaving the toilet seat up, people will get the message soon enough.

     I will make a couple of exceptions to my no-hairy-face rule. It’s fine to grow a beard (and then shave it) for charitable reasons. It’s also OK to wear one on religious grounds – as long as those grounds are nowhere near me. Everyone else, please stop following the (goat) herd and shave your face. 

© John E. McBride